Soul Care Series: The Importance of Grief
The Importance of Grief
by Dr. Deb Hoffman
During the current pandemic most of us are making changes and adjustments in almost every area of life. As we adjust our schedules and take note of what supplies we need, we must also set aside time to assess the status of our emotional and mental health.
Taking time to recognize the emotional impact the crisis is having and taking the appropriate steps to process and grieve will help us care for ourselves and others and allow us to come through this crisis stronger and more resilient.
Here are five steps we can take to recognize and process grief in healthy ways.
Recognize What is Happening Under the Surface:
Crises have a way of triggering our “fight or flight” response, and COVID-19 is no different. Our whole body, including the brain, responds differently in a crisis.
A crisis sends the brain into high alert and can interrupt our normal response to situations.
We often refer to this as “fight or flight”. This response is productive and designed to help us mobilize and respond quickly, usually without focus on our emotions. However, when a crisis continues over time (such as the current pandemic) our brain responds by staying in that “fight or flight” pattern and may actually lead to “freeze”. The result is a sense of helplessness, inability to make decisions, and feeling disconnected from the world around us.
For example, you may normally make decisions quickly in response to a problem and find creative solutions to challenges, but these days you may feel overwhelmed and unable to generate calming thoughts for yourself, let alone come up with creative solutions to problems.
Feeling stuck and overwhelmed could be an indication that your brain is in overload.
When that happens we need to hit the reset button so that our brain can return to functioning normally (not in crisis mode) so that we can engage the problem-solving parts of the brain as well as the emotion-focused areas. We need to pay attention to what our emotions and thoughts might be telling us, and the only way to do that is to take the time and listen to their messages.Hit the Reset Button:
Our brain requires two key components to deactivate from fight, flight or freeze. The first is connection with others. With limits on gatherings and fear of virus spread, our normal connections with other people have stopped.
Find ways to communicate with people that provide a sense of relatedness and connectedness. It may be via phone, video chat, or by standing in your front yard or apartment balcony to visit with your neighbors and friends (with at least 6 feet between you of course!).Establish Routines:
Routines provide automatic predictability and comfort, especially when things around us are unpredictable or chaotic (as in a crisis). When our routines become disrupted, our brains will search for what is familiar to help calm us down. Establishing new routines will provide freedom to feel your emotions without them overwhelming you.
Allow Yourself (and Others) Time to Grieve:
A wise professor once told me “every change (even positive change) contains losses that we need to grieve”. Taking the time to recognize loss and working through it allows us to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. It also allows us to connect with others using empathy and compassion as these often do not operate as they normally would in us during a crisis.
Here is an exercise that may help you identify areas you need to grieve.
Make three separate columns on a spreadsheet, note or piece of paper.
In the first column, write the changes you have experienced since the crisis began. The change can be simple (my local coffee shop only offers drive thru service) to significant (I work at home instead of in an office; my children are now home all day and I need to help them with school) or even devastating (my employer let me go and I have no job).
In the second column, list out any losses associated with the change (e.g. in person conversation and support from friends over coffee; regular break times talking with co-workers or having lunch with them; a quiet space at home; an income and sense of financial security).In the third column, identify the emotions associated with that loss. Allow time to recognize your feelings as there can be more than one or two at the same time. Sadness, loneliness, anger, fear, frustration, helplessness or powerlessness are just a few of the emotions you may be experiencing. You can also assess what the loss means for you specifically. Once you are able to do this you can mourn what you have lost.
Healthy grieving involves our thoughts and emotions.
Some of the losses you identify may be temporary, but others may be long term or permanent. If we can navigate these endings well and lead others in doing the same, it will help us stay emotionally healthy and prepare us for the new beginnings, which will inevitably follow. In his book The Emotionally Healthy Leader, Peter Scazzero says “…endings and waiting are the gateway to new beginnings.”Connect with Others Who Will Walk The Journey With You:
Identify people who are safe for you and make it a practice to share your losses, grief and emotions with them. While we need to encourage social distancing, it may be more helpful to distinguish physical distancing from social/emotional connection. The human brain is hardwired for connection with other people. Take time for the phone calls or video chats with those who are truly interested in how you are doing and will take time to listen to you.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NLT) encourages us that, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”
*For more resources on recognizing and processing grief, you can reach out to Dr. Deb and her team at Lifegate Church.